Shake your bon-bon

In honor of Ricky.

So two crazy things happened yesterday: 1) Ricky Martin declared his undying love for the mens, and 2) I stumbled across this ridiculous video on YouTube. I know I'm probably the last one to see this Lady Gaga Chatroulette thing, but I thought it was hysterical. This just shows what people do when they have too much time on their hands. They either A) have twins via a surrogate and name them Mateo and Valentino (awesome names btw), or B) dress in drag and dance around on a video chatroom to Lady Gaga. It just seemed fitting that I discuss/share these things together. Thematically, I find them very similar. In a slightly unrelated topic, is anyone interested in being my not-so-surrogate? We'll one up Martin and have triplets, then give them even more Latin names. I'm thinking Guiermo, Maria-Josefina, and J-Lo? Let me know if you're interested. I'll buy you a drank.

Before I go, I'd like to do for Ricky Martin what I did for Betty White. I would now like to share with you the many faces of Ricky.

Ricky, Former Pop Singing Sensation

Ricky, Proud Father of Two

Ricky, Soon to be Author of a Memoir

(He's going to stand in front of a mirror and copy down that t-shirt a million times. It's going to be riveting)

Ricky, Tattoo Enthusiast

And last but not least....

Ricky, "Fortunate Homosexual Man" (all quotes courtesy of Ricky Martin press release)

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "He Bangs, He Bangs" Yazge

A Solid Cup of Joe

It's true love...

Yesterday I took some people from my building to a cupping session over at Joe's Coffee. It was amazing. A cupping session is what buyers and brewers do to decide which beans to order for their locations. Think of it as a wine tasting, only for coffee. First you get to sample the scents of the grounds, which are then steeped in hot water. You get to sample the aromas, and then actually drink some of the coffee. Apparently, it's considered good tasting practice to slurp. It moves the coffee evenly across your tongue, so that no taste group (sweet, bitter, sour, etc.) over-influences the flavor. Think about that next time you're drinking coffee. SLURP. IT. UP.

We also learned all about sustainable coffee growing, fair trade, and all that jazz. I never knew how much went into making coffee. One of the more interesting tid-bits was that big places like Starbucks who offer "roast" varieties, French Roast and the like, essentially just take crappy coffee beans and burn the buh-jeezes out of them. Then all you taste is the "roasty" flavor. So really you're not tasting coffee. You're tasting roast. So if you like drinking smokey fire that has no real coffee value, keep guzzling all the Starbucks you want. When you're ready for a real honest to java cup of coffee, slurp your way over to me and a dude named Joe.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Joe-tteo" Yazge

Maztos and Massage

Protecting bubbulah's everywhere from leavened bread.

I'm not Jewish. Though many people, after looking at my nose, assume that I am. But I do feel very Jew-adjacent. In addition to my shnaz, I enjoy lox and shmere, deli food, and have a long history of family guilt. So with Passover approaching, I decided to buy a box of Matzos. It's delicious, especially with Whole Food's corn and seafood bisque. I'm not particularly sure that you're supposed to eat matzos with other things? I plead not guilty on the basis that I'm a gentile. But assuming that you can mix matzos with different food, you should. 

You know what else you should do? Get a massage. Better yet, a Swedish massage. I have no idea whether my massage therapist was Swedish, Jewish, or a matzos fanatic, but I'd like to think she was all three. I enjoy harmony among all the elements of my day. It's even better when this harmony includes getting the golfball-sized knot out of my left shoulder. Seriously. Try it some time. Ask for Helga Markowitz, aka - Matzos Woman.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Massage-a-matzos" Yazge

New Glee Promo!

Holy mother of Madonna, it's almost Glee time!

There's another promo out just to tease us. But let's be very honest with ourselves; how awesome is it that "Like a Prayer" made the cut for this season? And how funny is Sue Sylvester about her Bravo joke? It's funny because it's true. And there's more Matthew Morrison hair jokes. What's not funny is how FOX keeps teasing us with awesome new clips, several weeks before the show even comes back. We still have until April 13th.

Also, did anyone notice that there's a new dude schmoozing all over Leah Michele's character? Girl's going to get hers, AND a sing off. At this rate, by the time the season's over she'll have made out with everyone on the show. Not that I'm judging. I hear that's the easiest way to get ahead in life...

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Gleek" Yazge

Wino Wednesday: There's one in every bunch

I love this woman's face.

I regret to inform you all that I have found a dud. A bad egg. A lemon. The bottle of wine for this week is horrible. It's a Chilean Cabernet Savignon called Babor. Just remember that it has a red label with a seahorse on it, and that you should stay as far away from it as possible. Its flavor was really weak, and tasted almost of rotten fruit. Yes, I realize that technically all wine is "rotten" fruit, but not all wine tastes like it was fermented in New York City dumpster.

Instead of dedicating this week to a bad wine, I'd like to rededicate it to an amazing time in Singapore! So it is de facto dedicated to Captain and Coke! (If you're confused, take one part Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, one part Coca Cola, and drink. Repeat.) Captain and Coke was the official drink of my spring break. I met lots of awesome people, had a great time, and we kept the fun times rollin' (and the Captain and Cokes pourin') even when we got back. So here's to you Captain, my Captain! Just beware, he IS a pirate and as such cannot be trusted with your dignity. Also, beware of the eye-patch. When you can't see both eyes, you know he's got to be shifty.

Don't be like kitteh...

The Ugly American encourages everyone to drink responsibly.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Captain" Yazge

Smarter Than Your Average Cellphone

Excuse me, I need to take this...

I'm about to take the plunge. Not back into the womb, but potentially into the pool of Blackberry addicts. I go home in a little over a week, and my mobile plan is up for renewal. But this is where I need all your help: Crackberry addicts - sell me on it. Pretend like you're the strung out ex-con in the after school specials and I'm the unsuspecting Peter Brady-like character. Because honestly, the more Blackberry people that talk to me, the more likely I am to get one. I'm still not 100% on what a BBM is, but I know that I want to be a part of it.

Non-Blackberry smart phone users: why? What are you using and why do you think it's better than a Blackberry? Or do you? Are you just settling? Because really, you could do so much better. Do you know that our president is a  Blackberry addict? Did you also know that he battles with nicotene addiction? What do you think of this? What did you think of the landmark Health Care Bill? Would you start smoking in order to get a better smart phone?

So many questions today. I don't claim to know any of the answers, which is why y'all need to comment up in this piece. GRAZIE MILLE!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Becoming Blackberry" Yazge

Life. Lick it.

Loving every minute of it.

This is why Kirstie Alley is amazing, and Oprah is a huge loser. OK, so ignore the bazillions of dollars, the media empire, success and notoriety. Because you're still a tool (Oprah) if you have all those things and can't make me laugh (on purpose). There are so many similarities between these two women:

1. They yo-yo diet like they're putting on layers of fat for the winter, then starving in the summer.
2. They have very distinctive ways of talking... (EVERYONE'S GETTING A BRAND NEW CAAAAAAAAR!!!)
3. I really didn't care about either one of them. Until now.

I had to turn Kirstie's show on halfway through (I'm watching as I write), but already I'm loving every freaking minute of it. They all call her "mommy"? I'm just glad they didn't add a "dearest" to the end of it. And if this whole season is about her losing weight, we're in for some good sound bites. There's nothing more desperate than a D-List celebrity trying to drop 75 pounds.  OH OH! She just called a man she calls her "fat friend" and invited him over to eat. They're talking about weight loss... OVER FOOD. And cocaine just entered the conversation. Maybe that was where all the pounds went: the lines of blow. Whatever. I don't care. All I know is I love this show, and Kirstie Alley is a genius.

The last minutes of the premier was the weigh-in. Her initial weight at the beginning of the season: 230 pounds. She didn't want to hear it in pounds, so she had them convert it to stones (some British measure???). I'm pretty sure she just made that up to make herself feel better. It involved doing long division, and that didn't go so well. Apparently the only thing harder than staying skinny is doing math.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Lick It" Yazge