So a shark walks into a park...

Don't be confused. This picture does includes neither a shark nor a park.

Lauren and I made crepes tonight. Why? Because we're going to celebrate Shark Week in the park tomorrow night. Well, it's really more that we're meeting Jamie for the movie their showing at Pier 54. It's Julie & Julia, so we thought it would be appropriate to bring a good supply of food with us. And maybe wine. We're not committing to a position right now. The confirmed menu includes an arugula/watermelon/feta salad, potato salad, quinoa, and crepes with a Nutella-like spread for dessert. I say "Nutella-like" because we went to Whole Foods today and they didn't have Nutella. The salesman said it was because there's some hydrogenated oil or something in it... we looked confused and disheartened, so he grabbed Lauren's hand, comforted her and said "But we do have several other hazelnut/chocolate spreads that - unlike Nutella - won't kill you." Who needs a doctor or therapist? Those Whole Foods employees are great!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Not going to die thanks to Whole Foods" Yazge

Sasquatch Discovers Art

A canvas waiting to be color-penciled.

There comes a time in every little Sasquatch's life when hunting and gathering no longer brings fulfillment. It no longer matters how many deer he can kill or where he can find the best berries in all the land. No, he needs something more. Something, perhaps, that will allow him to express himself and fill that empty hole that no amount of raw meat can satiate. This one thing is coloring books.

When I was out wandering on Sunday with Jamie, we decided that coloring books were necessary. Surprisingly, Barnes & Noble didn't have that great of a selection. We couldn't find Disney characters, or Smurfs, not even Sesame Street. It was a bunch of random coloring books, most of which involved some type of math. Who wants that?! I did stumble across a gem though: The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carlisle. It was a copy of book, but none of the illustrations had been colored in. This was a chic coloring book. And you know, sometimes Sasquatch likes being chic. The best part is that I no longer have to compromise coloring and food, because now I'm coloring a book about food. That's really the best kind of coloring. I plan to work my way through the first two seasons of Mad Men while coloring my way through every last page. Don't ask me why, but the two just seem to be activities that should be done in tandem.


Ciao Bella!

Matteo "The Very Hungry" Yazge

Gertrude Loves Katy

My latest guilty pleasure...

So I've decided that there's some sort of 13-year-old girl living inside of me that, when deprived of horrible pop music, gets very anxious and starts to act out. She throws tantrums, makes me go see Twilight movies with my sister, and on more than one occasion has made me consider what bangs would look like. I've named her Gertrude. The name seems to go with her less-than-desirable personality. So, Gertrude's latest act of rebellion has been Katy Perry's "Caliornia Girls". If you'd asked me a month ago if I liked this song, I would have thrown my drink in your face and challenged you to a duel to defend my honor as a man and an intellectual. Now, sadly, I would only start dancing up and down and ask if you had any candy. 

Enjoy the video. Please get addicted so I'm not the only one... Gertrude needs some friends. (She's not the best at making them on her own)

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Gertrude" Yazge

Indiana Bound!

Oh, the Hoosier state. 

Today I am headed back to the state of my birth, one of the finest of the Midwestern states, home to the meth-lab capital of the world: Indiana. I feel a swell of pride when I hear that name. That, and a slight dizzy feeling accompanied by a taste that can only be described as metallic yellow. I think most people know that sensation as nauseated apprehension.

I leave this evening to go back to watch my friend Taylor (see picture) compete in the Miss Indiana Beauty... oh, wait... "Scholarship" Competition. She will be quizzed on all things scholarly, academic, and ed-ju-mah-cational. I even believe there's a portion of the competition that involves a hybrid math test/lab experiment. They give all the contestants their multiplication tables and see how long it takes each contestant to pass out from frustration. Not my Taylor though! She's as smart as a whip! Sharp as a tack! Cuter than a baby's bottom! But seriously, I can't wait to get back and root her on. There are even t-shirts.

But just to prove that I too am up to snuff on my Indiana trivia (in the likely even that they ask me to be King of Indiana and reign alongside Taylor), I'd like to share some of the little known facts about our great state:

1. While most people know Michael Jackson was born here and went on to become the king of pop, not many realize that the other Jackson siblings - most notably LaToya - spent most of their childhoods plotting a way to expose Janet's scantily-clad breast on national television. And while it may have taken them a long time to achieve that goal, I don't think we can overlook such an accomplishment.
2. Indiana is called the "Crossroads of America". As such, it has become very clear that no one drives anymore...
3. Peru, Indiana was once known as the "Circus Capital of America". To honor this tradition, many Hoosiers feel the need to behave like circus freaks.
4. We're the home to two recent NCAA March Madness almost-winners, Butler and IU! Three cheers for almost being the best!
5. Amy Poehler's current show, Parks and Recreation is set in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana. It's doubtless that many Hoosiers are trying to figure out where exactly this city is. The search committee's last trip had 13 men, 2 dogs, and a circus clown from Peru stuck in the woods just outside Marion County for days...
6. The state flower is the Peony, the state bird is the Cardinal, and the state tree is the Tulip Tree. Even despite the fact that tulips can't grow on trees and that at least makes one of those things mildly interesting for 5 seconds, no one in Indiana cares.
7. Oh, and I almost forgot. We have the Colts. Totally makes up for the rest of the state, right?

See? I know things.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Hoosier-daddy?" Yazge

200!!!

For Ingrid, who taught me how to be straight-up gansta.

OK. Let's be honest. I'm not gangsta. I'm not even a little bit gangster, with an "r". (There's a difference, trust me.) But I feel that if I were to be either of those two things, I would still owe a lot of my street cred to one Ingrid Michaelson, the baddest betch in all the land. 

Today is a fun day, because I officially hit 200 posts with this entry! Not only that, I'm still running of the high from last night's Ingrid Michaelson concert, which was - as one audience member yelled out - SPLENDID! Which prompted Ingrid to go into this old-timey voice and talk about splendid things... She's great with the witty banter. Anyway, at one point in the concert she talks about how a lot of her fans approach her and say the same thing: "OMG INGRID! You're songs are soooo cute! You're just sooo cute! Everything about you and your music is cute Cute CUTE!" She then said that these people clearly don't listen to the lyrics, because she's not cute, she's "dark and twisted." Which when you listen to her lyrics, it's a little true. So Ingrid sang us this fake song about her growing old by herself in the middle of nowhere with a dog and dying alone, and then rotting in the ground. All to the ukulele. That's gangsta.

The problem is I love the dark and twisty lyrics. I think they're genius. And when I listen to those songs loud enough for other people to hear, they think I'm listening to happy ukulele music. While that's partially true, I'm also listening to artistic genius (all artistic genius has to be a little dark and twisty). I think of it as prep work for when I'll be old and dying alone and rotting in the ground, outlived by my only companion - my incontinent dog. That's gangster.

To 200 posts! To Ingrid Michaelson! To gangsta rap and the thug life!


Ciao Bella!

Matteo "thug-nasty" Yazge

Hot in Cleveland

So hot...

I never thought I'd watch a show on TV Land Network, but then again I never thought I'd get yelled at by a toothless midget. So many things change when you come to the big city! Anyway, Hot in Cleveland is the new Betty White show that just premiered this Wednesday (Or Thursday if you're like me and don't have cable.) It's all about three women from LA who are pushing their prime (Valerie Bertinelli, that chick from Just Shoot Me, and Daphne from Fraiser). The premise is that they were going to go to Paris for a vacation together, but the plane has to emergency land in Cleveland. So naturally they all decide that instead of going to Paris, they'll just hang out in good ol' Ohio.

Seriously?

I've been to Cleveland. Not to knock it, but once you've seen the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, you've pretty much maxed out what there is to do there. But I guess Betty White is enough reason to stay. A feisty little Eastern European lady is the reason I always make it to North Eastern Ohio (my grandma). Although unlike Betty White's character, my grandma doesn't smoke pot.... I don't think.

Give the show a watch. It's worth the 24 minutes. Though I'm convinced in the long run this will be a show that will appeal far more to my mom's demographic. It's middle-aged woman humor. You know, menopause, how more men think they're hot in the Midwest, hangovers being funnier when you're 50... That stuff. 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Hotter in the Haute" Yazge

Promises, Promises = Amazing, Amazing.

I could die. DIE! DIE! DIE!

That's how amazing this show was. So my padre is in town for the weekend, and we decided we'd really like to go see a show. Fast forward about 24 hours, and we're watching Sean Hayes be the most ridiculously hilarious actor I've ever seen live. I almost peed my pants. Ok, so maybe I did pee my pants. Just a little trickle though... There was one part in particular where another actor dropped the lid to a liquor bottle he was using on set, and it started rolling away. Sean Hayes improved flawlessly and kept saying (in a very Jack McFarland kind of way) "Oh no. Nope. Over there. Stilllll rolling, hahahah. Over. Over. Yup. Ohhhhh-kay. Got it." I know this makes me sound like a blabbering idiot, but I was there. Just trust me: it was funny.

But perhaps the best performance of the show was by Katie Finneran, who played a crazy drunk. Who doesn't love those? Sean Hayes meets her in a bar after being stood-up for a date. She's all giggles and slurred words, and low raspy one-liners. She's even wearing a shawl made out of owl. And then at the end of their song together, Sean jumps up, wraps his legs around her waist (as she's holding him) and they proceed to have one of the sloppiest on-stage makeout sessions I've ever seen. It was beautiful. I think that moment was what got her the Tony nomination for this role. No, seriously. She's nominated for a Tony for this role. And if she doesn't win, I may die.

Oh, and I got to see Kristin Chenoweth live. That was awesome too. Couldn't end the post without at least saying her name once.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Promises" Yazge

So I was walking alongggggg...

They're baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

With so many crazy things happening in the world - oil spills on the shores of Louisiana (that state can't catch a break), failed bombing attempts in Times Square (oh yeah, I was 5 blocks away while that SUV was sitting there, waiting to explode), and the Penguins losing another Stanley Cup Playoff game (such a shame) - there has to be something that we can count on....

JERSEY.

I was avoiding studying this afternoon, which is how I ended up watching the director's cut of the season finale from last summer's Real Housewives of New Jersey. There is no higher form of art than reality shows about Italian-American housewives from New Jersey getting drunk and flipping tables at restaurants. The just kept showing Teresa screaming and flipping that damned table. God, I love her. And then she shares through a testimonial that "Juicy" - her husband - found that really attractive and that if she wanted to make passionate love more often, that she should start flipping tables on a daily basis. She. Was. Brilliant. Of course in that whole confrontation scene, I would have been more like Caroline, just laughing uncontrollably at how ridiculous the whole thing really was.

But the whole point of this rambling on a theme is that the Jersey Housewives are coming back for round two. The new season starts tomorrow night at 10pm. You know where I'll be!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Jersey Jonesin'" Yazge

Oh! Oh! Ballarò!

Take away that large plate of food, and insert 'un cornetto'. Grazie!

My love for Ballarò never fails. I went this morning for caffè and un corentto - the Italian variation on the croissant. DELIZIOSO! Since I no longer get my daily fix of Italian pastries on the NYU Florence campus, I have to find something equally as buttery and delicious. Plus, the Italians just know how to do coffee way better than anyone I know. And I know a lot of people. I'm kind of a big deal.

One thing that I don't like is that my Italian is slipping. I used a bit of it with the waitress. Most of the people that work at Ballarò are honest to Caesar Italians. So I feel the need to embarrass myself in front of them with my feeble attempts at their language. It didn't help any that I was wearing my Fiorentina jersey. Such a poser. But the good news is that I may have gotten my hands on a copy of the language-lesson software that I will not name on this blog, mainly because I don't want them to know I have a questionably legal copy of their product. Let's just say it rhymes with Hosetta Bone, and may or may not be named after a famous tablet that first helped decipher Egyptian hieroglyphs. CHEERS!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Cornetto" Yazge

It's a dairy kind of day!

This is the face I get when cheese is around...

How I managed to live in this city for three years and never enter the 3rd Ave. cheese store until today is a mystery that may never be solved. It also may be the most genius store I have ever laid eyes on. Here's a few shots of the shop:

  

Outside and In...

Everything is so ridiculously cheap. I don't even understand how they can sell it for that little. I got the biggest wedge of brie for $3. And not disgusting brie either. This was Presidente, which granted isn't gourmet, but it's a legit hunk of cheese. I also got goat cheese for $2? On what planet. I don't think it could even be that cheap if someone gave you the goat for free and then set you loose to make cheese. This could be bad for my bank account though. Lots of small purchases add up. As do saturated fats... 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Formaggio" Yazge

Betty White can be my cougar anytime...

BETTY!!!

It's true! I can't wait. This is going to be beyond epic. Betty White hosting SNL is the best idea in entertainment since the media collectively decided to no longer care about Lindsay Lohan. I could say more about my love for Betty White, but I think this video says it all. Oh, and she's a cougar. Hot.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Betty-lovin'" Yazge

Dans la Défense de la Reine

Love her.

I think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, capable of deciphering between fact and fiction. However, when it comes to movies, I prefer to imagine that everything presented to me is 100% solid fact. My interaction with Sophia Copolla's Marie Antoinette last night is a perfect example. For instance, I think that it's probably very likely that the real Queen of France listened to the lovable hipsters, MGMT. That just makes sense to me. Or that she thought that everything in Versailles was ridiculous. Because, honestly, if the sense of decorum/protocol was anything like the way it was represented in the movie, it was beyond ridiculous. Who really needs a crowded room full of people to help you change out of your nightie? Well, probably Anna Nicole Smith, may she rest in peace.

Here's another thing: Marie got a bad wrap. I really felt for her. It would SUCK to get yanked from not just your home, but your home country, and married off to a social moron at the age of 17. AND she had to leave her puppy behind. The world is a cruel, cruel place. Not only that, he lame-o husband didn't even want to sleep with her. I'm sorry, but when Kirsten Dunst is in the bed next to you, you step up and do your husbandly duties. It's just that simple. Also, I would have much preferred they not behead her. That was just a poor choice on their part.

After watching the movie, I'm now in a huge Paris mood. Edith Piaf is playing on my iPod, and I'm off in search of a baguette and brie. Wish me luck mes amis!

Au revoir!

Mathieu "Mon Dieu!" Yazge

Ke$ha = Genius

There are no words...

OK. So there are a lot of words. I would like to start of with a disclaimer that I love Ke$ha and think she is a entertainment genius. That being said, this performance is ape shit crazy. The two are not mutually exclusive. I'm actually just really jealous that I don't have large amounts of black-light paint on my body as well. However, the entire time, I couldn't help but be reminded of the Kelis "Acapella " video. That's actually a really good thing in my book.

I don't want to finish this post without saying how brilliant it is that she compares being love to being all hopped up on cocaine or something. Or withdrawal? I don't know. I've never done drugs, but something about needing a fix and being addicted just sounds a lot like love. That and banging your head against a wall. 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Love is my Drug" Yazge

Kudos to Kotex

Don't all these angles make me seem dynamic?

For those of you who don't know me that well, I'm a marketing major. And I love stuff like this. It's the type of tongue-in-cheek advertising that literally makes me laugh out loud - not to mention that I giggle like a small child whenever anyone talks about feminine hygiene. But let's all be honest with ourselves, it's pretty funny (when you're not presently dealing coping with feminine hygiene, or so I hear).

So beware, next time you see a commercial that appeals to you a little too much. Are you just going to buy it because the woman on the screen is a racially ambiguous 18-24 year-old? Is she going to ask you to buy something now? Does she have good hair? You're not listening to me anymore, are you? Don't worry. I'm not either.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Because I'm Wearing White Pants" Yazge

SEASON PREMIER!

I'm baaaaaaaack!

The crowds have spoken: WE NEED MORE UGLY AMERICAN! Now, to clarify for legal purposes (I don't need a lawsuit on my hands here) "the crowds" is actually my cousin Victoria... But still. One's a crowd, two's a party, and Three's Company? Come and knock on our door? I feel I may be mixing metaphors. The point is I was gone for a while, and now I'm not as gone as I used to be. Chalk it up to my general exhaustion, midterms, or aphasia. You pick.

I originally wanted to time my return with the return of Glee. That didn't happen so much. But did you see that episode??? Genius. And apparently so are the characters. I quote, "Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?" Yes, America. This is our future. And I love every minute of it. (As should you!) If the regular gleefulness of the show weren't enough, we are getting a WHOLE SPANKING EPISODE OF MADONNA. Just try and tell me you're not excited. If you're not, just watch this. It will convince you. God, I miss the 80's.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Has Gleefully Returned" Yazge

Shake your bon-bon

In honor of Ricky.

So two crazy things happened yesterday: 1) Ricky Martin declared his undying love for the mens, and 2) I stumbled across this ridiculous video on YouTube. I know I'm probably the last one to see this Lady Gaga Chatroulette thing, but I thought it was hysterical. This just shows what people do when they have too much time on their hands. They either A) have twins via a surrogate and name them Mateo and Valentino (awesome names btw), or B) dress in drag and dance around on a video chatroom to Lady Gaga. It just seemed fitting that I discuss/share these things together. Thematically, I find them very similar. In a slightly unrelated topic, is anyone interested in being my not-so-surrogate? We'll one up Martin and have triplets, then give them even more Latin names. I'm thinking Guiermo, Maria-Josefina, and J-Lo? Let me know if you're interested. I'll buy you a drank.

Before I go, I'd like to do for Ricky Martin what I did for Betty White. I would now like to share with you the many faces of Ricky.

Ricky, Former Pop Singing Sensation

Ricky, Proud Father of Two

Ricky, Soon to be Author of a Memoir

(He's going to stand in front of a mirror and copy down that t-shirt a million times. It's going to be riveting)

Ricky, Tattoo Enthusiast

And last but not least....

Ricky, "Fortunate Homosexual Man" (all quotes courtesy of Ricky Martin press release)

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "He Bangs, He Bangs" Yazge

A Solid Cup of Joe

It's true love...

Yesterday I took some people from my building to a cupping session over at Joe's Coffee. It was amazing. A cupping session is what buyers and brewers do to decide which beans to order for their locations. Think of it as a wine tasting, only for coffee. First you get to sample the scents of the grounds, which are then steeped in hot water. You get to sample the aromas, and then actually drink some of the coffee. Apparently, it's considered good tasting practice to slurp. It moves the coffee evenly across your tongue, so that no taste group (sweet, bitter, sour, etc.) over-influences the flavor. Think about that next time you're drinking coffee. SLURP. IT. UP.

We also learned all about sustainable coffee growing, fair trade, and all that jazz. I never knew how much went into making coffee. One of the more interesting tid-bits was that big places like Starbucks who offer "roast" varieties, French Roast and the like, essentially just take crappy coffee beans and burn the buh-jeezes out of them. Then all you taste is the "roasty" flavor. So really you're not tasting coffee. You're tasting roast. So if you like drinking smokey fire that has no real coffee value, keep guzzling all the Starbucks you want. When you're ready for a real honest to java cup of coffee, slurp your way over to me and a dude named Joe.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Joe-tteo" Yazge

New Glee Promo!

Holy mother of Madonna, it's almost Glee time!

There's another promo out just to tease us. But let's be very honest with ourselves; how awesome is it that "Like a Prayer" made the cut for this season? And how funny is Sue Sylvester about her Bravo joke? It's funny because it's true. And there's more Matthew Morrison hair jokes. What's not funny is how FOX keeps teasing us with awesome new clips, several weeks before the show even comes back. We still have until April 13th.

Also, did anyone notice that there's a new dude schmoozing all over Leah Michele's character? Girl's going to get hers, AND a sing off. At this rate, by the time the season's over she'll have made out with everyone on the show. Not that I'm judging. I hear that's the easiest way to get ahead in life...

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Gleek" Yazge

Wino Wednesday: There's one in every bunch

I love this woman's face.

I regret to inform you all that I have found a dud. A bad egg. A lemon. The bottle of wine for this week is horrible. It's a Chilean Cabernet Savignon called Babor. Just remember that it has a red label with a seahorse on it, and that you should stay as far away from it as possible. Its flavor was really weak, and tasted almost of rotten fruit. Yes, I realize that technically all wine is "rotten" fruit, but not all wine tastes like it was fermented in New York City dumpster.

Instead of dedicating this week to a bad wine, I'd like to rededicate it to an amazing time in Singapore! So it is de facto dedicated to Captain and Coke! (If you're confused, take one part Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, one part Coca Cola, and drink. Repeat.) Captain and Coke was the official drink of my spring break. I met lots of awesome people, had a great time, and we kept the fun times rollin' (and the Captain and Cokes pourin') even when we got back. So here's to you Captain, my Captain! Just beware, he IS a pirate and as such cannot be trusted with your dignity. Also, beware of the eye-patch. When you can't see both eyes, you know he's got to be shifty.

Don't be like kitteh...

The Ugly American encourages everyone to drink responsibly.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Captain" Yazge

Smarter Than Your Average Cellphone

Excuse me, I need to take this...

I'm about to take the plunge. Not back into the womb, but potentially into the pool of Blackberry addicts. I go home in a little over a week, and my mobile plan is up for renewal. But this is where I need all your help: Crackberry addicts - sell me on it. Pretend like you're the strung out ex-con in the after school specials and I'm the unsuspecting Peter Brady-like character. Because honestly, the more Blackberry people that talk to me, the more likely I am to get one. I'm still not 100% on what a BBM is, but I know that I want to be a part of it.

Non-Blackberry smart phone users: why? What are you using and why do you think it's better than a Blackberry? Or do you? Are you just settling? Because really, you could do so much better. Do you know that our president is a  Blackberry addict? Did you also know that he battles with nicotene addiction? What do you think of this? What did you think of the landmark Health Care Bill? Would you start smoking in order to get a better smart phone?

So many questions today. I don't claim to know any of the answers, which is why y'all need to comment up in this piece. GRAZIE MILLE!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Becoming Blackberry" Yazge