Basil Marceaux.com

God help Tennessee...

So there's this guy - Basil Marceaux - who's running for Governor of Tennessee. At first I thought it had to be a joke. There's no way that anyone actually thinks that this guy could be qualified to run an entire state. It's like that guy from American Idol a bunch of seasons back who sang She Bangs... we all knew the only reason he was on the TV was to make us laugh at how pathetic he was. But with Mr. Marceaux, we're all laughing at the fact that this is 100% serious. I really can't use any more words to describe it. Just watch the following videos and shudder in fear that this man may actually have a chance at getting elected...

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "dot-com" Yazge

Awaken Your Tribal Spirit

Why was I only around for 2 years of the 80's? WHY!?

So it was a lazy night last night, and I decided to stay in and watch a movie. It was really difficult to find a movie that fit the funky mood I was in. Eventually I settled on a gem called "The Hangover." (Oddly appropriate considering my Friday night activities.) That movie will never stop being funny to me, mainly because I see a lot of me and my friends in it. And it appeals to my inner tribal-being. His name is Sasquatch Minnetonka. That loosely translates to hairy, big-footed, culturally-unlearned one. He tall. He strong. He look like always wear sweater. He dance long time to Iko Iko.

I also took plenty of notes, so that my Sasquatch "family" and I will know what to do on our epic post-graduation trip to Vegas. So far I've added the following things to our to-do list:

1. Rooftop toast
2. Trip to emergency room
3. Marry a stripper
4. Steal a tiger from a former heavy-weight boxing champion
5. Kidnap an Asian mobster
6. Leave one of our friends (probably Eller) on the roof of a hotel for 24+ hours
7. Win $80,000 at a blackjack table
8. Go home with an epic story we only half-remember

So thanks to my rediscovered love for all things tribal/Vegas-adjacent, I've dedicated this week to building a deeper connection to my inner Sasquatch. Yesterday it started with watching "The Hangover", which is where I was reminded how much I love the song "Iko Iko". That video wasn't totally non-sequitur. But did you see the awesome wardrobe up in that piece? Ugh... If only I would have been older in the 80's. I TOTALLY would have rocked that look/learned those crazy dance moves. Some people have all the luck...

Ciao Bella!

-Matteo 

Gertrude Loves Katy

My latest guilty pleasure...

So I've decided that there's some sort of 13-year-old girl living inside of me that, when deprived of horrible pop music, gets very anxious and starts to act out. She throws tantrums, makes me go see Twilight movies with my sister, and on more than one occasion has made me consider what bangs would look like. I've named her Gertrude. The name seems to go with her less-than-desirable personality. So, Gertrude's latest act of rebellion has been Katy Perry's "Caliornia Girls". If you'd asked me a month ago if I liked this song, I would have thrown my drink in your face and challenged you to a duel to defend my honor as a man and an intellectual. Now, sadly, I would only start dancing up and down and ask if you had any candy. 

Enjoy the video. Please get addicted so I'm not the only one... Gertrude needs some friends. (She's not the best at making them on her own)

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Gertrude" Yazge

Milwaukee Wisconsin and How Midwest Airlines Sucked at Life

You are here. Mainly because other people are incompetent.

Midwest Airlines needs a new operations manager, because they seriously SUCK at managing delayed flights. Right now I should be laughing about old times with a good friend on the way back from the Indianapolis airport. Instead, I'm in God-forsaken Milwaukee, Wisconsin in a dilapidated La Quinta Inn. And it's not even free! Yes, I understand that my flight was delayed because of weather. However, we weren't delayed so much that they couldn't hold my connecting flight for me. The plane would have been delayed by 15, 20 minutes tops. And now they're making me pay $50 to stay in this crap hotel. Oh, and I have to pay for the shuttle to the airport in the morning because my flight leaves before the "hotel" (I'm being gracious with my diction here) offers standard shuttles. As my ever classy grandmother sometimes says: I'm so mad I could shit a brick.

I need to go shower now. Being on a plane always makes me feel gross, and I have to be awake in less than 5 hours. Shoot me, shoot me now.


Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Midwest Airline's customer service will have HELL to pay" Yazge

Indiana Bound!

Oh, the Hoosier state. 

Today I am headed back to the state of my birth, one of the finest of the Midwestern states, home to the meth-lab capital of the world: Indiana. I feel a swell of pride when I hear that name. That, and a slight dizzy feeling accompanied by a taste that can only be described as metallic yellow. I think most people know that sensation as nauseated apprehension.

I leave this evening to go back to watch my friend Taylor (see picture) compete in the Miss Indiana Beauty... oh, wait... "Scholarship" Competition. She will be quizzed on all things scholarly, academic, and ed-ju-mah-cational. I even believe there's a portion of the competition that involves a hybrid math test/lab experiment. They give all the contestants their multiplication tables and see how long it takes each contestant to pass out from frustration. Not my Taylor though! She's as smart as a whip! Sharp as a tack! Cuter than a baby's bottom! But seriously, I can't wait to get back and root her on. There are even t-shirts.

But just to prove that I too am up to snuff on my Indiana trivia (in the likely even that they ask me to be King of Indiana and reign alongside Taylor), I'd like to share some of the little known facts about our great state:

1. While most people know Michael Jackson was born here and went on to become the king of pop, not many realize that the other Jackson siblings - most notably LaToya - spent most of their childhoods plotting a way to expose Janet's scantily-clad breast on national television. And while it may have taken them a long time to achieve that goal, I don't think we can overlook such an accomplishment.
2. Indiana is called the "Crossroads of America". As such, it has become very clear that no one drives anymore...
3. Peru, Indiana was once known as the "Circus Capital of America". To honor this tradition, many Hoosiers feel the need to behave like circus freaks.
4. We're the home to two recent NCAA March Madness almost-winners, Butler and IU! Three cheers for almost being the best!
5. Amy Poehler's current show, Parks and Recreation is set in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana. It's doubtless that many Hoosiers are trying to figure out where exactly this city is. The search committee's last trip had 13 men, 2 dogs, and a circus clown from Peru stuck in the woods just outside Marion County for days...
6. The state flower is the Peony, the state bird is the Cardinal, and the state tree is the Tulip Tree. Even despite the fact that tulips can't grow on trees and that at least makes one of those things mildly interesting for 5 seconds, no one in Indiana cares.
7. Oh, and I almost forgot. We have the Colts. Totally makes up for the rest of the state, right?

See? I know things.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Hoosier-daddy?" Yazge

Dear World Cup Refs, Bite Me.

I know Landon, I'm confused too...

Dear FIFA Referees,

Bite me. You are officially the worst refs every to (dis)grace the game of futbol. It was enough work for the US team to come back from a 2-0 score at half time to tie it up, but then you insisted on robbing them of an actual win because you thought there was a little too much "rough play" in the box. Yes, I can see how our players being bear-hugged by the other team would seem unfair to the Slovenian team. After all, we did not offer to hug them back. But that's the problem with those unrequited loves: someone always seems to get hurt.

While I am perturbed to the utmost degree, I will take solace in the fact that England still can't manage to win a game either, leaving the US precariously positioned in second place in the group. Now if you could try your damnedest to not screw up the officiating for the US-Algeria game, I would greatly appreciate it. However, if you blindly call the England game in favor of Slovenia, I might be able to look the other way.


Spitefully Yours,

Matteo "Should have been 3-2" Yazge

Dans la Défense de la Reine

Love her.

I think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, capable of deciphering between fact and fiction. However, when it comes to movies, I prefer to imagine that everything presented to me is 100% solid fact. My interaction with Sophia Copolla's Marie Antoinette last night is a perfect example. For instance, I think that it's probably very likely that the real Queen of France listened to the lovable hipsters, MGMT. That just makes sense to me. Or that she thought that everything in Versailles was ridiculous. Because, honestly, if the sense of decorum/protocol was anything like the way it was represented in the movie, it was beyond ridiculous. Who really needs a crowded room full of people to help you change out of your nightie? Well, probably Anna Nicole Smith, may she rest in peace.

Here's another thing: Marie got a bad wrap. I really felt for her. It would SUCK to get yanked from not just your home, but your home country, and married off to a social moron at the age of 17. AND she had to leave her puppy behind. The world is a cruel, cruel place. Not only that, he lame-o husband didn't even want to sleep with her. I'm sorry, but when Kirsten Dunst is in the bed next to you, you step up and do your husbandly duties. It's just that simple. Also, I would have much preferred they not behead her. That was just a poor choice on their part.

After watching the movie, I'm now in a huge Paris mood. Edith Piaf is playing on my iPod, and I'm off in search of a baguette and brie. Wish me luck mes amis!

Au revoir!

Mathieu "Mon Dieu!" Yazge

Wino Wednesday: There's one in every bunch

I love this woman's face.

I regret to inform you all that I have found a dud. A bad egg. A lemon. The bottle of wine for this week is horrible. It's a Chilean Cabernet Savignon called Babor. Just remember that it has a red label with a seahorse on it, and that you should stay as far away from it as possible. Its flavor was really weak, and tasted almost of rotten fruit. Yes, I realize that technically all wine is "rotten" fruit, but not all wine tastes like it was fermented in New York City dumpster.

Instead of dedicating this week to a bad wine, I'd like to rededicate it to an amazing time in Singapore! So it is de facto dedicated to Captain and Coke! (If you're confused, take one part Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, one part Coca Cola, and drink. Repeat.) Captain and Coke was the official drink of my spring break. I met lots of awesome people, had a great time, and we kept the fun times rollin' (and the Captain and Cokes pourin') even when we got back. So here's to you Captain, my Captain! Just beware, he IS a pirate and as such cannot be trusted with your dignity. Also, beware of the eye-patch. When you can't see both eyes, you know he's got to be shifty.

Don't be like kitteh...

The Ugly American encourages everyone to drink responsibly.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Captain" Yazge

And you thought I was overly dramatic...

Why it leave and I already here!?

So thankfully, this wasn't me at any point on the trip. I made it to everywhere I was supposed to be on time. But our professor sent us this video that I thought was worth sharing with all of you. Below is a spoof of the above video. A couple students thought it would be funny to recreate the first video, but in the context of missing an elevator. Hilarious.

But the elevator be so gone already! WHY!?

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Punctuality" Yazge

The Singapore Sitch

I kinda looked like that lion/fish...

Have you missed me? Really? Good. Between midterms, packing, and cleaning my apartment at 3 in the morning there wasn’t exactly time to write a bunch of posts in advance. Let me give you a little snapshot of the past few days in Singapore:

Singapore = Jurassic Park

It’s true. The entire place is way too manicured, and the tropical plants and heat give it the feel that there’s a veloca raptor waiting for you around the corner. The industrial buildings and threat of caning doesn’t exactly help with anything.

The Caning Situation

I haven’t been caned… yet. I came awfully close. I got food poisoning from all the fish we ate at dinner the other night. Who thought it would be a good idea to cook jellyfish and serve it in a chili sauce? Not me. But I still ate it, because I thought I’d try to be worldly. Anyway, long story short I threw up in the bushes outside the company we were visiting yesterday. Yup, I’m a classy individual. I’m expecting calls from Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton any time now. I’m sure we can all be super glamorous outside the barfatoriums of the rich and famous..

More later. Right now we’re off to a Singaporean university. More econ and finance? God help me. Maybe I’ll just throw up.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo “Barfello” Yazge

Spring has Sprung

He's so happy spring is here!

Yup. I'm still stuck on Shark in the Water. It's a fantastic song. But what's even more fantastic is that it's starting to warm up and feel like spring! I'm wearing my new pair of Havaianas, jeans, and a t-shirt with a sweater. That's it! How brilliant is that? And to think there was a blizzard here two weeks ago...

Since I love lists so much, I'll leave you with a list of awesome things you could do in the warm weather:

1. Pet some happy sharks.
2. Run in circles with a stupid grin on your face.
3. Run in circles, away from the formerly happy sharks.
4. Have your best doctor-friend reattach your formerly happy arm, first reclaiming it from the now happy-again shark-friend. (This one is even more fun when done in a park, or with multiple appendages.)
5. Have your happy shark-friend get one of his other shark-friends to show up, so the three of you and your doctor-friend can play a rousing game of charades. After your arm regains functioning, of course...

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Shark Attack" Yazge

Los Oscars

So, instead of live-blogging the Oscars, I've decided to NOT live-blog the Oscars. Great plan, no? I thought so. Surprisingly, there's nothing to make fun of. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin had it covered. Instead I'd like to talk about someone that was not adequately made fun of...

MILEY CYRUS! 

She's kinda messed up. And on a stripper pole. Put it away Miley. No one wants to see it. Especially the girl in the background. You can't sing, you can't act, which is exactly why they cast you for that new Nicholas Sparks movie. Because the wanted an equally as horrible celebrity to go with the atrocious story line. I couldn't find anything from these Oscars yet, but here's one from last year, where she lived up to the nickname I gave her: shovel-face.

What has young Hollywood come to?

And as much as I think the Twilight series is absolutely ridiculous, albeit a wonderful guilty please, at least their actors/actresses have faces you can take in public. They can also dress themselves. More than I can say for Madame Shovel-Face, who decided to wear a training bra and a hula skirt that she ducktaped together. Please, don't look at her too long. You may go blind.

Look at this instead:

Catherine Deneuve: what all young actresses should aspire to.

Ciao Bella! (or not so bella, in the event that you're Miley Cyrus)

Matteo "No Shovel to the Face" Yazge

Intense Riding Experience

It's the way of the future. Embrace it. Gallop it.

Seriously? I mean, seriously? For one of my classes this semester, we have to study a foreign company. My company makes products like this. And while I find this wildly fascinating and has lots of potential for a stand-up bit, I'm not sure I understand the business model behind it. (Get it? Behind? Oh I kill myself...)

This week is crazy busy, so I must be off. I leave for Singapore in a little over a week, so I'll try to get in as much posting before then. Maybe I'll even set my computer up to remotely post while I'm away. We'll see how ambitious I get.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "heGallop" Yazge

Lots of Crazy, Not so much Heart

Now Presenting: THE WRESTLER... wait, I mean CRAZY HEART!

So I wasn't really crazy about the Crazy Heart. Was it a solid movie? Yes. Had I seen it before in a million other incarnations? Yes. Essentially they took The Wrestler, that awful Mickey Rourke movie, and instead cast Jeff Bridges as a washed up singer/song writer as opposed to a washed up wrestler. I think next year they're going to get Jon Voight to play a washed up Nascar racer and call it Crazy Car. And you know who will play his romantic opposite? A hooker with a heart of gold: Kirsty Alley.

I just don't know how many times you can watch the same redemption story, especially when they start including scenes of him vomiting and having sex with Maggie Gyllenhaal. No one wants to see that. Ever. It was almost too painful to watch. By the end he had his act together, as all good post-rehab characters must, but I was done caring. Let's just say I'm glad I saw this movie on someone else's tab.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Crazy Writer" Yazge

The Greatest Form of Flattery...

YOU CAN'T COPY AN ORIGINAL!

OK, so let's just throw aside the fact that the whole premise of my blog is very loosely based around a pre-existing literary classic. Instead, I'd like to focus on how Comedy Central is already trying to loosely base a show off of my blog, which - while in my head I'm convinced is ground breaking and awardworthy - is not even a household name yet! Seriously? Ugly Americans? Total rip off. Let's look at the details a bit:

• The show focuses on a normal, well-balanced guy who has to deal with zombies and a girlfriend who literally comes from the 7th circle of hell. My blog is about me, a (sometimes) well-balanced guy who has to deal with all kinds of crazies/hellions.
• Ugly Americans is set in New York City. The Ugly American is written by me, and I live in New York City.
• The main character leads group therapy. I could probably use some group therapy.
• The main character has brown hair. I HAVE BROWN HAIR!

When will the content stealing end?! Shame, shame on you Comedy Central! The least you could do is pay me some royalties. Ugly American OUT!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "The (semi)Original Ugly American" Yazge

Lend a Helping Hand

It makes me want to be a dad... or have a human seatbelt. Can't decide.

I found this posted on someone else's Facebook yesterday, but thought it was good enough to pass on again. I'm not entirely sure how ethical such an advertisement is. It comes really close to the putting babies in car safety commercials situation, but as a piece of art, this is pretty cool. And while I think sometimes it's not good to play with people's emotions to get them to purchase something, this is more of a PSA. So, in that sense, using a bit of guilt isn't the worst approach. It definitely got to buckle my seatbelt every day, and I walk everywhere. Effective.


Ciao Bella

Matteo "Michelin Man" Yazge

El Mundo Enfuego

Evan Lysacek, one of the many things that were "enfuego" in the past 24 hours.

So many things have been aflame recently. I feel that list form is the only way that I'm going to be able to remember everything. Here it goes:

1. Evan Lysacek - He won gold. So that's awesome. It was all very moving, especially the fist pumping during his final spins, and then once the music stopped. To be honest though, I was looking for more footage of him melting onto the ice in a joyful, teary-eyed mess. Oh, and did I mention he's Orthodox? Because he is. That's cool too. You know what's not? Evgeni Plushenko blaming his loss on the point system. Go cry to someone who cares.
2. Tiger Woods' Guilt - He had a news conference about his bad decisions. Some people think he was actually contrite, some people think he was full of it. I'm just glad he's out of sex rehab or whatever and we can start to stare at him like a train wreck again. 
3. My Office Building - So as I was getting to work this morning, people were pouring out. Why? Because the building was on fire. There's construction on the 8th floor, and I guess something went wrong and then there was a fire? Details... I'm not a fan of them. Anyway, instead of working for the first two hours of my shift - because they wouldn't let me into a burning building - I got coffee, shopped for wine, and got lunch. That's a beautiful day of work. After the firefighters said we could come back in, I then spent an hour and a half editing videos and making smoothies. Not a bad afternoon if I do say so myself.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Enfuego" Yazge

Isn't that just precious?

Would have liked it more if it weren't so heartbreaking.

Talk about a serious movie. There were so many depressing themes in this movie, it made my head spin. It's hard to believe that things like this actually happen to people. At some point in the movie you begin to ask why you haven't done anything to help someone in that situation. This poor girl saw more in 16 years than most see in their entire life: sexual assault, two teen pregnancies, poverty, hunger, illiteracy, physical abuse, HIV. The list goes on.

While the story was moving, the execution of the film was a little rocky. There were dream sequences that didn't really fit with the overall timber of the movie, and I'm not sure how I feel about the message with which it leaves the viewer. While I don't have any answers on how to handle teen pregnancy, I don't know that I can 100% support a 16-year-old raising two children on her own (one with Down Syndrome) while living off of welfare. Yes, I understand the very emotional nature of the decision, and how she thought she needed to be a better mother than her own, but being a good parent also entails realizing when you can't provide for your children and figuring out how to remedy that. Sometimes that remedy is adoption. Needless to say we had a in depth discussion about all this over dinner after the movie!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Prayin' for Precious" Yazge

Grammys? Really?

The hottest mess this award season...

I don't even know where to begin. There was so much insanity and trashiness, my head is literally spinning. I'd love to talk about how Taylor Swift is tone deaf, or how embarrassing it must have been for Stevie Nicks to play backup tambourine for her. I could also gab on about how sad it was the Kathy Griffin didn't win for best spoken word album, but after tonight she'll have enough material to keep making CDs for years. Or I could even blabber about how ridiculous it is that CBS wants to have some online voting system for something no one cares about. We already have the People's Choice Awards. Let them give away awards that don't mean anything.

But the real meat of the evening came when they decided to honor Michael Jackson. First of all, who thought it was a good idea to have Celine, Usher, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, and Smokey Robinson sing a Michael Jackson song? As my friend Zach put it, "There's 'No no no no way' J-Hud should be singing Michael." Furthermore, who thought - having decided on that cracked out ensemble - that putting it in 3D would make it even better? False. All false. But we got to watch Beyoncé ridiculously groovin' in her 3D glasses. I actually laughed out loud at that. Then, once the singing was over (thank God), THEY BRING OUT THE CHILDREN! What?! We weren't allowed to see them the entire time he was alive, but now that DVD sales need boosting, we're justing going to parade them around like a dog and pony show. And where was Blanket? Did he have to stay home? Or was he keeping Uncle Tito and Aunt Latoya company while they were filming the latest episode of that new reality show? Because we all know there was no way in hell the publicists were going to let any of Michael's siblings get within 5 miles of a live microphone. That family needs so much time in post-edit, I'm surprised that reality show isn't going to be aired years after it's first filmed. And what was with the cousins who just stood there looking stupid? Don't think we didn't notice that it looked like Michael wasn't the only one who had some work done. 

And before I go, someone should tell Andre Bucchelli that he should NEVER sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water." The operatic style doesn't led itself to soul music. It just sounds condescending. I'll donate money to Haiti if he promises to never sing that song again.

Ciao Bella

Matteo "Grammy Horrified" Yazge

To Tweet, or not to Tweet? It's a horrible question...

Will you stop talking to me if I join Twitter?

Yup. I'm debating doing it. I know, I know. It sounds like a horrible idea. HOWEVER! I'm doing research at work on the benefits of social media, and I'm thinking maybe I should just start following people on Twitter to stay abreast of marketing trends. Is that so bad?

Well, part of me thinks yes. I've avoided tweeting, chirping, and clucking this long, so why cave in now? I've been perfectly happy without any bird-related noises in my life. Plus, what can you say in that few characters? It may be responsible for the dumbing down of our youth... that and that darned rap music.

This decision all comes down to standards, specifically which standard I value more: not stooping to the level of one of the most butchered forms of writing, or being open to new technology/ideas. Thoughts?

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Troubled and Tweetless" Yazge