Drop Dead Gorgeous

This is kind of what it was like...

I'm way too upset to write about Italian soccer today... US soccer, that's another story. Who would have thought we would come out top of the group??? Anyway, because I'm still pissed at the Italians for not getting their act together, I've decided to share a little video clip that bares a striking resemblance to the first round of Miss Indiana competition last night. I love this movie. More commentary on Miss Indiana to follow in the coming days!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Drop Dead Soccer" Yazge

Milwaukee Wisconsin and How Midwest Airlines Sucked at Life

You are here. Mainly because other people are incompetent.

Midwest Airlines needs a new operations manager, because they seriously SUCK at managing delayed flights. Right now I should be laughing about old times with a good friend on the way back from the Indianapolis airport. Instead, I'm in God-forsaken Milwaukee, Wisconsin in a dilapidated La Quinta Inn. And it's not even free! Yes, I understand that my flight was delayed because of weather. However, we weren't delayed so much that they couldn't hold my connecting flight for me. The plane would have been delayed by 15, 20 minutes tops. And now they're making me pay $50 to stay in this crap hotel. Oh, and I have to pay for the shuttle to the airport in the morning because my flight leaves before the "hotel" (I'm being gracious with my diction here) offers standard shuttles. As my ever classy grandmother sometimes says: I'm so mad I could shit a brick.

I need to go shower now. Being on a plane always makes me feel gross, and I have to be awake in less than 5 hours. Shoot me, shoot me now.


Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Midwest Airline's customer service will have HELL to pay" Yazge

Indiana Bound!

Oh, the Hoosier state. 

Today I am headed back to the state of my birth, one of the finest of the Midwestern states, home to the meth-lab capital of the world: Indiana. I feel a swell of pride when I hear that name. That, and a slight dizzy feeling accompanied by a taste that can only be described as metallic yellow. I think most people know that sensation as nauseated apprehension.

I leave this evening to go back to watch my friend Taylor (see picture) compete in the Miss Indiana Beauty... oh, wait... "Scholarship" Competition. She will be quizzed on all things scholarly, academic, and ed-ju-mah-cational. I even believe there's a portion of the competition that involves a hybrid math test/lab experiment. They give all the contestants their multiplication tables and see how long it takes each contestant to pass out from frustration. Not my Taylor though! She's as smart as a whip! Sharp as a tack! Cuter than a baby's bottom! But seriously, I can't wait to get back and root her on. There are even t-shirts.

But just to prove that I too am up to snuff on my Indiana trivia (in the likely even that they ask me to be King of Indiana and reign alongside Taylor), I'd like to share some of the little known facts about our great state:

1. While most people know Michael Jackson was born here and went on to become the king of pop, not many realize that the other Jackson siblings - most notably LaToya - spent most of their childhoods plotting a way to expose Janet's scantily-clad breast on national television. And while it may have taken them a long time to achieve that goal, I don't think we can overlook such an accomplishment.
2. Indiana is called the "Crossroads of America". As such, it has become very clear that no one drives anymore...
3. Peru, Indiana was once known as the "Circus Capital of America". To honor this tradition, many Hoosiers feel the need to behave like circus freaks.
4. We're the home to two recent NCAA March Madness almost-winners, Butler and IU! Three cheers for almost being the best!
5. Amy Poehler's current show, Parks and Recreation is set in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana. It's doubtless that many Hoosiers are trying to figure out where exactly this city is. The search committee's last trip had 13 men, 2 dogs, and a circus clown from Peru stuck in the woods just outside Marion County for days...
6. The state flower is the Peony, the state bird is the Cardinal, and the state tree is the Tulip Tree. Even despite the fact that tulips can't grow on trees and that at least makes one of those things mildly interesting for 5 seconds, no one in Indiana cares.
7. Oh, and I almost forgot. We have the Colts. Totally makes up for the rest of the state, right?

See? I know things.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Hoosier-daddy?" Yazge

200!!!

For Ingrid, who taught me how to be straight-up gansta.

OK. Let's be honest. I'm not gangsta. I'm not even a little bit gangster, with an "r". (There's a difference, trust me.) But I feel that if I were to be either of those two things, I would still owe a lot of my street cred to one Ingrid Michaelson, the baddest betch in all the land. 

Today is a fun day, because I officially hit 200 posts with this entry! Not only that, I'm still running of the high from last night's Ingrid Michaelson concert, which was - as one audience member yelled out - SPLENDID! Which prompted Ingrid to go into this old-timey voice and talk about splendid things... She's great with the witty banter. Anyway, at one point in the concert she talks about how a lot of her fans approach her and say the same thing: "OMG INGRID! You're songs are soooo cute! You're just sooo cute! Everything about you and your music is cute Cute CUTE!" She then said that these people clearly don't listen to the lyrics, because she's not cute, she's "dark and twisted." Which when you listen to her lyrics, it's a little true. So Ingrid sang us this fake song about her growing old by herself in the middle of nowhere with a dog and dying alone, and then rotting in the ground. All to the ukulele. That's gangsta.

The problem is I love the dark and twisty lyrics. I think they're genius. And when I listen to those songs loud enough for other people to hear, they think I'm listening to happy ukulele music. While that's partially true, I'm also listening to artistic genius (all artistic genius has to be a little dark and twisty). I think of it as prep work for when I'll be old and dying alone and rotting in the ground, outlived by my only companion - my incontinent dog. That's gangster.

To 200 posts! To Ingrid Michaelson! To gangsta rap and the thug life!


Ciao Bella!

Matteo "thug-nasty" Yazge

Dear World Cup Refs, Bite Me.

I know Landon, I'm confused too...

Dear FIFA Referees,

Bite me. You are officially the worst refs every to (dis)grace the game of futbol. It was enough work for the US team to come back from a 2-0 score at half time to tie it up, but then you insisted on robbing them of an actual win because you thought there was a little too much "rough play" in the box. Yes, I can see how our players being bear-hugged by the other team would seem unfair to the Slovenian team. After all, we did not offer to hug them back. But that's the problem with those unrequited loves: someone always seems to get hurt.

While I am perturbed to the utmost degree, I will take solace in the fact that England still can't manage to win a game either, leaving the US precariously positioned in second place in the group. Now if you could try your damnedest to not screw up the officiating for the US-Algeria game, I would greatly appreciate it. However, if you blindly call the England game in favor of Slovenia, I might be able to look the other way.


Spitefully Yours,

Matteo "Should have been 3-2" Yazge

Hot in Cleveland

So hot...

I never thought I'd watch a show on TV Land Network, but then again I never thought I'd get yelled at by a toothless midget. So many things change when you come to the big city! Anyway, Hot in Cleveland is the new Betty White show that just premiered this Wednesday (Or Thursday if you're like me and don't have cable.) It's all about three women from LA who are pushing their prime (Valerie Bertinelli, that chick from Just Shoot Me, and Daphne from Fraiser). The premise is that they were going to go to Paris for a vacation together, but the plane has to emergency land in Cleveland. So naturally they all decide that instead of going to Paris, they'll just hang out in good ol' Ohio.

Seriously?

I've been to Cleveland. Not to knock it, but once you've seen the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, you've pretty much maxed out what there is to do there. But I guess Betty White is enough reason to stay. A feisty little Eastern European lady is the reason I always make it to North Eastern Ohio (my grandma). Although unlike Betty White's character, my grandma doesn't smoke pot.... I don't think.

Give the show a watch. It's worth the 24 minutes. Though I'm convinced in the long run this will be a show that will appeal far more to my mom's demographic. It's middle-aged woman humor. You know, menopause, how more men think they're hot in the Midwest, hangovers being funnier when you're 50... That stuff. 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Hotter in the Haute" Yazge

My Multi-ethnic Monday

These multi-ethnic children encapsulate the spirit of my Monday.

It's been too long since I posted, and there's lots of things I could discuss: Glee finale, True Blood premier, more oil spilling, the World Cup, the various restaurants I've taken by force over the past few weeks, how gross my feet look in flip-flops and how having to wear them on a daily basis gives me mixed emotions of comfort and shame.... but no. I'd like to focus on something a little more "It's a Small World."

After I watched the Italy-Paraguay game at work (where the Italians in the office supplied salami, provolone,  bread, Nutella, San Pellegrino Lemonata, and gelato) I decided that I should get a haircut. So I waddled my way over to my favorite immigrant barber shop (if you call a wonderfully sketchy basement a barber shop) at Astor Place. I've gone there for 3 years now and absolutely love it. But Monday was by far the best experience I've had there:

I was wearing my Italian soccer jersey, so instantly the woman cutting my hair commented, both to me and the guy cutting hair next to her. Then we all started speaking Italian about how Gli Azzurri (the Italian soccer team) are amazing, and hail to the victors, and we'll get another Cup, and let's go grab some cannoli, etc. etc. Then I find out that the woman cutting my hair is Greek Orthodox - wasn't a huge surprise given her accent - and we talk all about that, and her grandchildren's picky diets, and spanakopita, and damned those South Koreans for beating Greece 2-0. Although I was mildly confused when she kept speaking Spanish to other people. She caught on that I understood her when I couldn't stop laughing at her heckling of the guy at the cash register. It was like I had my very own ethnically confused Yaya cutting my hair. When I left I tipped her and said "Kali Nikta" (goodnight in Greek). She got really tickled and said "Oh! Look at you! Kali nikta!"

God, I love immigrants. I can only one day hope to be one...

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Multi-ethnic" Yazge