Shake your bon-bon

In honor of Ricky.

So two crazy things happened yesterday: 1) Ricky Martin declared his undying love for the mens, and 2) I stumbled across this ridiculous video on YouTube. I know I'm probably the last one to see this Lady Gaga Chatroulette thing, but I thought it was hysterical. This just shows what people do when they have too much time on their hands. They either A) have twins via a surrogate and name them Mateo and Valentino (awesome names btw), or B) dress in drag and dance around on a video chatroom to Lady Gaga. It just seemed fitting that I discuss/share these things together. Thematically, I find them very similar. In a slightly unrelated topic, is anyone interested in being my not-so-surrogate? We'll one up Martin and have triplets, then give them even more Latin names. I'm thinking Guiermo, Maria-Josefina, and J-Lo? Let me know if you're interested. I'll buy you a drank.

Before I go, I'd like to do for Ricky Martin what I did for Betty White. I would now like to share with you the many faces of Ricky.

Ricky, Former Pop Singing Sensation

Ricky, Proud Father of Two

Ricky, Soon to be Author of a Memoir

(He's going to stand in front of a mirror and copy down that t-shirt a million times. It's going to be riveting)

Ricky, Tattoo Enthusiast

And last but not least....

Ricky, "Fortunate Homosexual Man" (all quotes courtesy of Ricky Martin press release)

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "He Bangs, He Bangs" Yazge

A Solid Cup of Joe

It's true love...

Yesterday I took some people from my building to a cupping session over at Joe's Coffee. It was amazing. A cupping session is what buyers and brewers do to decide which beans to order for their locations. Think of it as a wine tasting, only for coffee. First you get to sample the scents of the grounds, which are then steeped in hot water. You get to sample the aromas, and then actually drink some of the coffee. Apparently, it's considered good tasting practice to slurp. It moves the coffee evenly across your tongue, so that no taste group (sweet, bitter, sour, etc.) over-influences the flavor. Think about that next time you're drinking coffee. SLURP. IT. UP.

We also learned all about sustainable coffee growing, fair trade, and all that jazz. I never knew how much went into making coffee. One of the more interesting tid-bits was that big places like Starbucks who offer "roast" varieties, French Roast and the like, essentially just take crappy coffee beans and burn the buh-jeezes out of them. Then all you taste is the "roasty" flavor. So really you're not tasting coffee. You're tasting roast. So if you like drinking smokey fire that has no real coffee value, keep guzzling all the Starbucks you want. When you're ready for a real honest to java cup of coffee, slurp your way over to me and a dude named Joe.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Joe-tteo" Yazge

Maztos and Massage

Protecting bubbulah's everywhere from leavened bread.

I'm not Jewish. Though many people, after looking at my nose, assume that I am. But I do feel very Jew-adjacent. In addition to my shnaz, I enjoy lox and shmere, deli food, and have a long history of family guilt. So with Passover approaching, I decided to buy a box of Matzos. It's delicious, especially with Whole Food's corn and seafood bisque. I'm not particularly sure that you're supposed to eat matzos with other things? I plead not guilty on the basis that I'm a gentile. But assuming that you can mix matzos with different food, you should. 

You know what else you should do? Get a massage. Better yet, a Swedish massage. I have no idea whether my massage therapist was Swedish, Jewish, or a matzos fanatic, but I'd like to think she was all three. I enjoy harmony among all the elements of my day. It's even better when this harmony includes getting the golfball-sized knot out of my left shoulder. Seriously. Try it some time. Ask for Helga Markowitz, aka - Matzos Woman.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Massage-a-matzos" Yazge

New Glee Promo!

Holy mother of Madonna, it's almost Glee time!

There's another promo out just to tease us. But let's be very honest with ourselves; how awesome is it that "Like a Prayer" made the cut for this season? And how funny is Sue Sylvester about her Bravo joke? It's funny because it's true. And there's more Matthew Morrison hair jokes. What's not funny is how FOX keeps teasing us with awesome new clips, several weeks before the show even comes back. We still have until April 13th.

Also, did anyone notice that there's a new dude schmoozing all over Leah Michele's character? Girl's going to get hers, AND a sing off. At this rate, by the time the season's over she'll have made out with everyone on the show. Not that I'm judging. I hear that's the easiest way to get ahead in life...

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Gleek" Yazge

Wino Wednesday: There's one in every bunch

I love this woman's face.

I regret to inform you all that I have found a dud. A bad egg. A lemon. The bottle of wine for this week is horrible. It's a Chilean Cabernet Savignon called Babor. Just remember that it has a red label with a seahorse on it, and that you should stay as far away from it as possible. Its flavor was really weak, and tasted almost of rotten fruit. Yes, I realize that technically all wine is "rotten" fruit, but not all wine tastes like it was fermented in New York City dumpster.

Instead of dedicating this week to a bad wine, I'd like to rededicate it to an amazing time in Singapore! So it is de facto dedicated to Captain and Coke! (If you're confused, take one part Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, one part Coca Cola, and drink. Repeat.) Captain and Coke was the official drink of my spring break. I met lots of awesome people, had a great time, and we kept the fun times rollin' (and the Captain and Cokes pourin') even when we got back. So here's to you Captain, my Captain! Just beware, he IS a pirate and as such cannot be trusted with your dignity. Also, beware of the eye-patch. When you can't see both eyes, you know he's got to be shifty.

Don't be like kitteh...

The Ugly American encourages everyone to drink responsibly.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Captain" Yazge

Smarter Than Your Average Cellphone

Excuse me, I need to take this...

I'm about to take the plunge. Not back into the womb, but potentially into the pool of Blackberry addicts. I go home in a little over a week, and my mobile plan is up for renewal. But this is where I need all your help: Crackberry addicts - sell me on it. Pretend like you're the strung out ex-con in the after school specials and I'm the unsuspecting Peter Brady-like character. Because honestly, the more Blackberry people that talk to me, the more likely I am to get one. I'm still not 100% on what a BBM is, but I know that I want to be a part of it.

Non-Blackberry smart phone users: why? What are you using and why do you think it's better than a Blackberry? Or do you? Are you just settling? Because really, you could do so much better. Do you know that our president is a  Blackberry addict? Did you also know that he battles with nicotene addiction? What do you think of this? What did you think of the landmark Health Care Bill? Would you start smoking in order to get a better smart phone?

So many questions today. I don't claim to know any of the answers, which is why y'all need to comment up in this piece. GRAZIE MILLE!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Becoming Blackberry" Yazge

Life. Lick it.

Loving every minute of it.

This is why Kirstie Alley is amazing, and Oprah is a huge loser. OK, so ignore the bazillions of dollars, the media empire, success and notoriety. Because you're still a tool (Oprah) if you have all those things and can't make me laugh (on purpose). There are so many similarities between these two women:

1. They yo-yo diet like they're putting on layers of fat for the winter, then starving in the summer.
2. They have very distinctive ways of talking... (EVERYONE'S GETTING A BRAND NEW CAAAAAAAAR!!!)
3. I really didn't care about either one of them. Until now.

I had to turn Kirstie's show on halfway through (I'm watching as I write), but already I'm loving every freaking minute of it. They all call her "mommy"? I'm just glad they didn't add a "dearest" to the end of it. And if this whole season is about her losing weight, we're in for some good sound bites. There's nothing more desperate than a D-List celebrity trying to drop 75 pounds.  OH OH! She just called a man she calls her "fat friend" and invited him over to eat. They're talking about weight loss... OVER FOOD. And cocaine just entered the conversation. Maybe that was where all the pounds went: the lines of blow. Whatever. I don't care. All I know is I love this show, and Kirstie Alley is a genius.

The last minutes of the premier was the weigh-in. Her initial weight at the beginning of the season: 230 pounds. She didn't want to hear it in pounds, so she had them convert it to stones (some British measure???). I'm pretty sure she just made that up to make herself feel better. It involved doing long division, and that didn't go so well. Apparently the only thing harder than staying skinny is doing math.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Lick It" Yazge

My jet is lagging...

This just made sense...

So what else are you supposed to do when your body tells you it's 2 in the afternoon, when really it's 2 am? Bingo! Go out for a drink with some friends.

Here's what I don't understand: the entire time we were in Singapore, my body clock was fine. No jet lag. Not even a little bit of helicopter lag or cab lag. There was no lagging of any sort. But right now my body literally can't tell whether it should be sleeping, eating, sweating, spinning, you name it. Although can we discuss how nice it is to have a meal that isn't doused in some variety of fish sauce? Or deep fried with pork? I had a wonderful tofu salad last night for dinner, which all things considered was still very Asian. But the point is that it was something green. I was in Singapore so long I almost forgot what a vegetable was. Like, real vegetables. Not the type that have names that don't translate and are then used to make weird jello or dessert soups. Don't ask. Just understand that my stomach is now being able to digest things without the assistance of anti-nausea medication.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Not-so-Iron-Stomach" Yazge

And you thought I was overly dramatic...

Why it leave and I already here!?

So thankfully, this wasn't me at any point on the trip. I made it to everywhere I was supposed to be on time. But our professor sent us this video that I thought was worth sharing with all of you. Below is a spoof of the above video. A couple students thought it would be funny to recreate the first video, but in the context of missing an elevator. Hilarious.

But the elevator be so gone already! WHY!?

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Punctuality" Yazge

The Singapore Sitch

I kinda looked like that lion/fish...

Have you missed me? Really? Good. Between midterms, packing, and cleaning my apartment at 3 in the morning there wasn’t exactly time to write a bunch of posts in advance. Let me give you a little snapshot of the past few days in Singapore:

Singapore = Jurassic Park

It’s true. The entire place is way too manicured, and the tropical plants and heat give it the feel that there’s a veloca raptor waiting for you around the corner. The industrial buildings and threat of caning doesn’t exactly help with anything.

The Caning Situation

I haven’t been caned… yet. I came awfully close. I got food poisoning from all the fish we ate at dinner the other night. Who thought it would be a good idea to cook jellyfish and serve it in a chili sauce? Not me. But I still ate it, because I thought I’d try to be worldly. Anyway, long story short I threw up in the bushes outside the company we were visiting yesterday. Yup, I’m a classy individual. I’m expecting calls from Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton any time now. I’m sure we can all be super glamorous outside the barfatoriums of the rich and famous..

More later. Right now we’re off to a Singaporean university. More econ and finance? God help me. Maybe I’ll just throw up.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo “Barfello” Yazge

Singapore!

I made it!

It's certainly a tropical location. It's almost 2 in the morning here and it's hot as a mother, and humid enough to make you feel like you're sweating even when you're not. It's not the best... but hey! At least it's a vacation?

I'm too tired and brain-dead to write anything witty or charming. The fact that I'm being charged 35 cents a minute for internet doesn't help any. I'll give you updates as I have them. But so far, I haven't been caned. SUCCESS!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Cane-free" Yazge

6 Impossible Things Before Breakfast

Care for a piping hot cup o' crazy?

Last night, instead of studying for my midterm, I went to see Alice in Wonderland with my friend Kaitlyn who was in town visiting. When you break it down, I think I learned far more from this movie than I would have by sitting hunched over a book, cramming. Perhaps the most important lesson I learned was a daily routine that I plan on implementing immediately. It comes up several times in the movie, but my favorite instance was when Alice turns to the Mad Hatter and says "I think of six impossible things before breakfast." To which he replies, "that's a very good practice."

SO! Here are my six impossible things before breakfast for today:

1. I will adopt a family full of llamas, and we will live in our own little llama world.

2. I will own beachfront property somewhere (inhabitable) in California.

3. Peyton Manning will be my best friend, and also cover my bar tab.

4. I'm finally going to get my act together and start submitting my work for publication. This will no doubt be a small first step towards building a media empire, and eventually total world domination. This will be bigger than Oprah.

5. Julia Child will visit me every night just before I go to bed. Not in a weird zombie way, but in a "Ghost of Quirky Chefs Past" way.

6. I'll go to Singapore tomorrow... Oh look! That one came true!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Mad as a Hatter" Yazge

Wino Wednesday: Obrigado!

If it speaks Portuguese, don't pass it up; this spoke to me.

I've already written about Vinho Verde before, I know... But I really like that type of wine, and this is a different bottle. Besides, I just got an internship with a Brazilian company. They speak Portuguese - a very different type of Portuguese, but Portuguese nonetheless. I just wanted to spread the love, pay it forward, make the world go round, put the lime in the coconut so to speak. You get the idea.

This bottle was about $5-7 more than the other Vinho Verde that I've already blogged about. To be brutally honest, it wasn't worth the extra money. It was a touch too acidic for my taste. Very tart. Look at me developing wine preferences, turning my nose up at things. Now don't get me wrong, I had no problems drinking it. It wasn't one of those experiences where someone was forcibly holding my mouth open while his henchman pour wine through a funnel into my mouth. It's just that, were I only going to stranded on a deserted island with only one bottle of Vinho Verde, this bottle of Varanda do Conde would not be the one I'd pick. Although I will say that it would make a great message in a bottle...

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Portogallo" Yazge

Love Me Some Betty White

Hey Betty, you wanna snuggle?

So according to an article on Mashable.com our beloved Betty White will be on SNL! A few months ago, I joined a group of Facebook called "Betty White to Host SNL (please?!)". At first I thought it was just a funny little group for people who love Betty. Clearly I belonged. But the group's fanbase skyrocketed and now SNL has agreed to have her on the show! There is still some discrepancy as to what role she'll be playing on the show. While I'd love to see her host, there is talk that she'll be one of many women on a tribute episode, "Women of Comedy." Either way, I'm stoked. This is soooo the year of the Betty White. And you had to have seen the Snickers commercial she was in, right? LOVE. HER.

In tribute to our wonderful Betty White, I'd like to take this closing moment to delve into what I like to call, "The Many Faces of Betty."

Angry Betty

Crime Fighting Betty

Grandma Betty

Betty, Friend to Animals

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Betty-Lover" Yazge

Spring has Sprung

He's so happy spring is here!

Yup. I'm still stuck on Shark in the Water. It's a fantastic song. But what's even more fantastic is that it's starting to warm up and feel like spring! I'm wearing my new pair of Havaianas, jeans, and a t-shirt with a sweater. That's it! How brilliant is that? And to think there was a blizzard here two weeks ago...

Since I love lists so much, I'll leave you with a list of awesome things you could do in the warm weather:

1. Pet some happy sharks.
2. Run in circles with a stupid grin on your face.
3. Run in circles, away from the formerly happy sharks.
4. Have your best doctor-friend reattach your formerly happy arm, first reclaiming it from the now happy-again shark-friend. (This one is even more fun when done in a park, or with multiple appendages.)
5. Have your happy shark-friend get one of his other shark-friends to show up, so the three of you and your doctor-friend can play a rousing game of charades. After your arm regains functioning, of course...

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Shark Attack" Yazge

Los Oscars

So, instead of live-blogging the Oscars, I've decided to NOT live-blog the Oscars. Great plan, no? I thought so. Surprisingly, there's nothing to make fun of. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin had it covered. Instead I'd like to talk about someone that was not adequately made fun of...

MILEY CYRUS! 

She's kinda messed up. And on a stripper pole. Put it away Miley. No one wants to see it. Especially the girl in the background. You can't sing, you can't act, which is exactly why they cast you for that new Nicholas Sparks movie. Because the wanted an equally as horrible celebrity to go with the atrocious story line. I couldn't find anything from these Oscars yet, but here's one from last year, where she lived up to the nickname I gave her: shovel-face.

What has young Hollywood come to?

And as much as I think the Twilight series is absolutely ridiculous, albeit a wonderful guilty please, at least their actors/actresses have faces you can take in public. They can also dress themselves. More than I can say for Madame Shovel-Face, who decided to wear a training bra and a hula skirt that she ducktaped together. Please, don't look at her too long. You may go blind.

Look at this instead:

Catherine Deneuve: what all young actresses should aspire to.

Ciao Bella! (or not so bella, in the event that you're Miley Cyrus)

Matteo "No Shovel to the Face" Yazge

And The Award Goes To...

The real Joan, or the wax museum replica? Does it make a difference?

The Oscars are upon us. My plan is to blog through them, not missing a single moment of sheer ridiculousness. Until that point, you can read this New York Times article about Joan, our favorite multiple head transplant survivor. I guess I should probably leave you with my (wishful) predictions:

Best Film: Avatar? But I really liked An Education...

Best Director: The Director Formerly Known As Mrs. Cameron... yeah, his ex-wife directed The Hurt Locker.

Best Actor: Colin Firth (A Single Man)

Best Actress: Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)

Best Supporting Actor: Morgan Freeman (Invictus)

Best Supporting Actress: Monique (Precious)

Best Score: Up!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Oscarready" Yazge

Something in the Water

If there's something in the water, I want what she's drinking...

The other night my sister and I were online swapping music, something that happens about once every other month or so. One of the songs she sent me really clicked with me. Blame it on the weather getting warmer here; blame it on the fact that this song reminds me I leave for an island vacation in less than a week; blame it on my love for Caribbean women. But any way you cut it, V.V. Brown is awesome.

Her debut CD, Traveling Like the Light, came out last June. Don't ask me how I missed it. But the best part about the CD? It's $5.99 on iTunes right now. For 12 songs. If you don't buy this CD right now, you're crazy. Listening to it just makes you happy. It's as simple as that. I could go on and on about how brilliant her personal story is - turning down a spot at Oxford to pursue music, turning down P. Diddy and Bad Boy Records for a legit record label, having a sold out tour and songs featured on several American TV shows - but at the end of the day, all you care about is how phenomenal the music is. If it doesn't make you tap your toe or jump up dancing, you're not human.

Ciao Bella

Matteo "Shark in the Water" Yazge

Hockey, Havaianas, and... Hand-grenades?

A scholar and a gentleman... sort of.

That's right. I saw the man, the legend, the Gold-medal-goal-scorer in action. My friend Mel Zahnd, the awesomest guy ever, managed to get us tickets to go see the Rangers-Penguins hockey game last night. It was AMAZING. Sydney Crosby (above) was as epically awesome as ever. The Penguins came from behind to send the game into overtime and win the game. Amazing.

So that was last night. Today, I went in for my followup interview with Havaianas, and instead of having an interview, I got offered the job! Hooray job! What could get better than selling flip-flops? Jamie asked me today if this meant that I wasn't going to be applying for law school this summer instead of working. For the record that was an option that was only fleetingly considered, mainly because Jamie was making me consider it because she didn't want to go to Emory by herself. I told her that she needed to ask herself a very important question: would you rather have to fight your way through the LSATs, law school, and then the world of corporate law, or would you rather sell flip-flops. Problem solved.

The last bit today is about hand-grenades.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I felt that today's title needed a third H word. I hadn't played horseshoes, so I couldn't include that. But I guess the past 24 hours has had so much excitement and awesomeness, that it feels like a hand-grenade full of adrenaline and smiles has gone off in my life? I dunno. It's kind of a stretch.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Hand-grenade" Yazge

Charity Water

It's such a simple idea, it's beautiful.

You'd be surprised at how many problems are addressed by simply providing people with clean, accessible drinking water. Charity:water a non-profit stationed here in the New York that's getting clean drinking water to communities in undeveloped countries in an amazing way. Here's the impact it's having:

Education: Children no longer have to walk long distances all day to get their families water, so they can finally go to school and help break the cycle of poverty.

The Gender Gap: When parents have to make the decision of who to keep out of school to get water, most times it's the girls. So not only does Charity:water raise education involvement, but it helps young girls get the chances they deserve.

Health: Before these communities get clean drinking water, many of them have to drink dirty, microbial-infected water. With clean water, less people get sick.

Local Economies: When you don't have to worry about finding water to survive, you can start being more productive in farming, making goods to sell at market, and creating a better life for your family. 

I'm so lucky that I have a chance to help with an organization like this. Last night I went to their weekly volunteer night. I encourage anyone who's interested in getting involved to go to the volunteer section of the website. It's a great way to have an impact with a charity that's doing a lot of good, and it's an awesome way to meet new people too!

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Charity" Yazge

Wino Wednesday: No Big Whoop!

Call, we'll talk, no big whoop!

LOVE that I have a wine that's called Big Woop, and while I couldn't, I feel that I should have drank the bottle in Brooklyn. Here's some details:

Type: Red blend

Country: Australia

Price: $12.99/bottle

Tasting Companions: My good friend, Linda Richman

Best Accent to Use While Drinking: Bruuhklyhhhn (Brooklyn)

Topics for Discussion While Drinking: Rhode Island, neither a road nor an island. Discuss.

Overall Thoughts: It's like BUTTAH!

Seriously though, this wine was really good. And even though it's a little more expensive compared to the other wines I've been drinking, the bottle is also HUGE. It's 1 liter. I still have a bunch left over if someone would like to help me finish the bottle? Bah-brah?

But you want to know the best part? Screwtop lid! No cork here, bubbulah. That way you don't have to worry about getting all schpilkis in your gannekdagazoink. Though the 14.5% alcohol part might get you a little verklempt.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Big Whoop" Yazge

Intense Riding Experience

It's the way of the future. Embrace it. Gallop it.

Seriously? I mean, seriously? For one of my classes this semester, we have to study a foreign company. My company makes products like this. And while I find this wildly fascinating and has lots of potential for a stand-up bit, I'm not sure I understand the business model behind it. (Get it? Behind? Oh I kill myself...)

This week is crazy busy, so I must be off. I leave for Singapore in a little over a week, so I'll try to get in as much posting before then. Maybe I'll even set my computer up to remotely post while I'm away. We'll see how ambitious I get.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "heGallop" Yazge

Lots of Crazy, Not so much Heart

Now Presenting: THE WRESTLER... wait, I mean CRAZY HEART!

So I wasn't really crazy about the Crazy Heart. Was it a solid movie? Yes. Had I seen it before in a million other incarnations? Yes. Essentially they took The Wrestler, that awful Mickey Rourke movie, and instead cast Jeff Bridges as a washed up singer/song writer as opposed to a washed up wrestler. I think next year they're going to get Jon Voight to play a washed up Nascar racer and call it Crazy Car. And you know who will play his romantic opposite? A hooker with a heart of gold: Kirsty Alley.

I just don't know how many times you can watch the same redemption story, especially when they start including scenes of him vomiting and having sex with Maggie Gyllenhaal. No one wants to see that. Ever. It was almost too painful to watch. By the end he had his act together, as all good post-rehab characters must, but I was done caring. Let's just say I'm glad I saw this movie on someone else's tab.

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "Crazy Writer" Yazge