BREAKING NEWS!

THIS JUST IN: Mr. Hot Stuff on the right just turned 22.

In what is being regaled as the event of the year, or at the very least the zenith of this week's activities, today is the official 22nd Birthday of one Mr. Matteo "Ugly American" Yazge. Rumors abound as to the exact specifics of the day's festivities. While we can't 100% confirm the truthfulness of these rumors, we can spread them like wildfire, because honestly as far as trustworthiness is concerned, rumors are good enough for us. Here are some of the things we've heard through the grapevine that could definitely maybe be a part of this blow-out celebration:

• Tigers
• Hula-hooping fire breathers
• An all-day open bar
• Drunk Tigers
• Celebrity appearances by Hollywood's most famous and beautiful: Jennifer Aniston, Zoe Saldana, Danny DeVito
• Danny DeVito does his famous Drunken Tiger trick
• Danny DeVito gets taken to the hospital for deep tiger-claw lacerations
• Lindsay Lohan makes an appearance at Danny DeVito's bedside, fresh from prison, on her way to rehab, in hopes of one last hit of prescription medication.

Like I said, all of this is alleged. While we can't confirm, we can hope for the best, both for Matthew's birthday and for Danny DeVito's recovery. Please contact the Ugly American as to where you can send birthday presents and get well cards/flowers. Well, really you could send flowers to both. Who doesn't love a nice birthday bouquet? 

Ciao Bella!

Matteo "22" Yazge