Apres brie, le deluge...First of all, I would like to thank you all for the votes of confidence and overwhelmingly impressive job of appeasing my desire to travel. Good work team! I'm booking my ticket for Paris as soon as Liz gives me the go-ahead (she has to double check something with her professor first). I now just have to decide if I want to take the 2pm flight for 45 euro, or the 7am flight for 100 euro. Decisions, decisions...
But unfortunately, I must now change the subject to a more dire matter. I need your help in battling an addiction I've had for some time. Yes, that's right. I've been fighting a silent, but rather nasty battle, like many great artists before me: Poe, Edith Piaf, Ray Charles... Lindsay Lohan. I know that this must shock and upset many of you, but the first step towards recovery is admitting that you indeed have a problem. Last night I saw that problem manifest itself in the most obscene behavior. Because were out of baguette, I was forced to shave off slices of red onion, put them on greasy potato chips, smear them with brie and devour anything else that got between that horrid combination and my mouth. I was out of control. Moderation knew not my name. There were chip shavings everywhere, smeared cheese wax on the table, and if a camera had been there to document the horrid and ghoulish looks on my face I most certainly would have ended up in the tabloids by 9am this morning.
Of course, I regret such behavior and wish that I could take it back. I could try to blame it on an alien baby inside of me, hungering for saturated fats and odorous vegetables. I could blame it on the emotional "fat child" that's lived inside me from a very young age - you know him, and you saw him take over my body briefly after childbirth until the age of 3, and again between grades 3 and 7. I could even try to blame it on my monthly cycle, as I'm sure I'll soon be bloated and moody. But no. That would be an error on my part and never allow me to properly move on from such a traumatic experience. Instead, I humbly beseech your prayers and messages of hope for a brighter future in the gourmet. With your help, and most likely that of a trained professional and heavy medication, I hope to one day be able to snack responsibly.
Repentantly yours,
Matteo "Downy Jr" Yazge
(For the record, I tried to Wikipedia "famous alcoholics" and it came back with a message saying "did you mean famous catholics?" Hilarious.)
But unfortunately, I must now change the subject to a more dire matter. I need your help in battling an addiction I've had for some time. Yes, that's right. I've been fighting a silent, but rather nasty battle, like many great artists before me: Poe, Edith Piaf, Ray Charles... Lindsay Lohan. I know that this must shock and upset many of you, but the first step towards recovery is admitting that you indeed have a problem. Last night I saw that problem manifest itself in the most obscene behavior. Because were out of baguette, I was forced to shave off slices of red onion, put them on greasy potato chips, smear them with brie and devour anything else that got between that horrid combination and my mouth. I was out of control. Moderation knew not my name. There were chip shavings everywhere, smeared cheese wax on the table, and if a camera had been there to document the horrid and ghoulish looks on my face I most certainly would have ended up in the tabloids by 9am this morning.
Of course, I regret such behavior and wish that I could take it back. I could try to blame it on an alien baby inside of me, hungering for saturated fats and odorous vegetables. I could blame it on the emotional "fat child" that's lived inside me from a very young age - you know him, and you saw him take over my body briefly after childbirth until the age of 3, and again between grades 3 and 7. I could even try to blame it on my monthly cycle, as I'm sure I'll soon be bloated and moody. But no. That would be an error on my part and never allow me to properly move on from such a traumatic experience. Instead, I humbly beseech your prayers and messages of hope for a brighter future in the gourmet. With your help, and most likely that of a trained professional and heavy medication, I hope to one day be able to snack responsibly.
Repentantly yours,
Matteo "Downy Jr" Yazge
(For the record, I tried to Wikipedia "famous alcoholics" and it came back with a message saying "did you mean famous catholics?" Hilarious.)
Would it help with the withdrawal and reform if I sent you a block of Velveeta to munch on???
ReplyDeletebut cheese is wonderful. although, red onions turn me off lots of things. brie and potato chips sounds promising, though. :)
ReplyDelete